he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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