At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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