Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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