dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
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I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
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I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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