fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
