I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
