did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
