Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
