I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
