life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
