My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
