it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
