so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
