you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
