Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
MIDGETS
????
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize