wanna go halves on a baby?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
