In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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