I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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