ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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