Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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