I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
