i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
