How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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