Kiss
Puke
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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