omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
