Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
