Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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