There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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