Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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