I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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