see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
