I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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