Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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