Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
These tits shall not be calmed
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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