I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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