I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
