i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
