I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
