Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
