just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
