your parents love me but you hate me
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
