She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
