just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
