im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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