Umm I'm too high to move.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
