pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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