he puts the penis in happiness.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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