Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
