I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
