I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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