I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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