I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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