I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
