apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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