Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
