awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
