After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
