I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
