I wish I only lived at night.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I need to align my fucking chakras
we should paint friendship bongs
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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